When you hop in the shower, what’s your plan?
What’s your order of operations?
I’ll go first.
I'm a head-to-toe guy. Top to bottom.
First thing I clean is my hair, for a couple of reasons.
One, I have a full head of it, but I'm a 41-year-old man so I consider myself lucky. So I treat it with reverence.
And two, if I have to jump out of the shower for some unforeseen—and honestly, now that I’m thinking about it, completely ridiculous—reason, I want the first thing people see to look clean.
Once I’m out of the shower, the person in this imaginary scenario—probably a thief interested in my extensive cologne collection—won’t be able to see that I haven’t washed my pits or pelvis. Sure, if I put him into a half-Nelson he'll able to smell that I haven't, but it was his fault in the first place. If he smells a pit as he's tapping out, that's on him!
Next is The Hair. I'll wash. I’ll condition. Sometimes. I’ll admit, this is a weak spot in my regimen. When it comes to conditioning I don’t have a set schedule. But boy do I crave one. Every time I get in the shower, I never know if it’s gonna be a conditioning day or not. How do you even know? Are you supposed to condition daily or will that get too slick? What do you base it on, the moon phase? A tide chart?
And here's another weak spot: sometimes I wait the full conditioning time—due minutos—before continuing to the next step, aggressive self-massage. Other times, I’ll condition and immediately start washing my body without rinsing, only to rinse after I wash The Bod. Talk about playing fast and loose!
Another weak spot: Sometimes I don’t have the patience for the conditioner to condition. I don’t even know how long I’m supposed to condition! Is due minutos a minimum or maximum? What does due minutos even mean?!?
Does every one of your mornings start with such suspense and confusion?
Immediately after conditioning—or not!—comes the pièce de résistance, My Bod, which I can handle [wink] because I’ve thought about this. Well, actually, others have thought about it, and I've read their books.
Well, a book. Called Clean.
Before reading Clean, I'd shower just like anyone else: I'd cover every inch of my body in suds all willy nilly, and then I'd fall to the floor and weep. I didn't know which parts to wash and which not to wash, so I washed them all.
After reading Clean, I now know exactly what to wash [nothing]. The author says that washing your whole body does more harm than good. Instead, we should only wash the parts that really need it: your pits, bits, and feet.
I'm inclined to agree. I've never gotten a whiff of a musky forearm, have you? Or a dank kneecap? Why the hell are we washing our biceps—no matter how huge they are—if we only use them to write newsletters?
Clean was a fresh take on something each of us does on a daily basis, and it got me thinking... what else are we overdoing? Where's the book saying we're working out too hard? Or eating too many antioxidants? I want a book that says key to life is simple: scrub your butt, pour a martini, and call your dad.
Upcoming Shows
I’m traveling this week and don’t have any shows.
What I’m Eating
Wiff’s newest release, Miranda in Retrograde, has a scene in which the main character, Miranda, makes a baked brie. So I made one to celebrate the release. It’s really good… Recipe and video here.
Proof of Life
This is a screen capture from an self-taped audition I sent in last week. In this scene, my character, The Devil, was distraught after reading his horoscope. It was fortunate Wiff still had all the books she used for reserach for Miranda in Retrograde!
I booked the gig. It shoots tomorrow. Wish me luck! 😈
Chow!
Anthony
I feel so dirty reading this.